My mom gave me this pen...

Yes, that bird pen makes noise and lights up. No, I've never used it...for obvious reasons.

Yes, that bird pen makes noise and lights up. No, I've never used it...for obvious reasons.

The story goes...she thought it was funny. Yes, the bird pen. I think it came in a care package, which I'm grateful for; however, one has standards. How could I possibly use this pen...EVER? Lol...I love my mom. Now, the lipstick came from some fashion event. Clever...but never gonna happen. ;) And the maze game was a college orientation. Yes, college. 

I don't know why I still have them. Perhaps they remind of life events. Perhaps I just can't throw away a perfectly good know, in case of the apocalypse, and I desperately need a pen! It would have to be pretty desperate times.

Ode to My Favorite Pen

For reference, I have nothing against NYU. In fact, I'm grateful...they gave me this pen ;)

For reference, I have nothing against NYU. In fact, I'm grateful...they gave me this pen ;)

Oh purple pen, how I love're pretty and oh so shiny. You always have ink that flows with good timing. Your nice big rubber grip is only out-shined by the fact that you click. And even though you say, "NYU", I still love you! And...always...will.

Busted, Broken...but Always There

I was bartending, and there was this one pen we had that no one would steal. The plastic around the tip had broken off, so you had to grab the ink tube-y firmly in order to write. We were embarrassed to give it out to customers...I mean, how could they sign with such a pen? Of course, we used it. It still worked, and every pen is sacred.

The Trojan Pen

I don't remember all of the details - the when, why, how. I just remember this one day where I was going through my purse, and I found this ugly brown stick pen. I had never seen this pen before, but it was labeled with some doctor's name and address. How odd, I thought...I don't know this doctor. Perhaps I'm odd, but I spent a good minute trying to think of where I picked up this pen. I ran through the possibilities - stolen from friend (most likely), found lying somewhere (maybe, am I that desperate?), stolen from restaurant (possible, but weird)...anyway, you get the idea. This innocuous pen had just interrupted my train of thought. Unfortunately, the pen was so ugly (and didn't work) that I had to throw it away. I have standards after all!

What's the moral of this story? Everyone needs a lesson on PROPER PEN TROJANIZING: 


1. For Pete's sake, don't buy the cheapest pen out there! No one wants a shitty pen that stops working after air touches it.

2. USE THE LINES WISELY...if this is the only contact you have with someone, don't put your ****ing fax number on it. And if your business is called "Creative Services", please explain. I don't have all day to riddle out your pen.

3. Finally, is that bright, squishy pen really you? When someone sees your pen, they should instantly know it's you, from the color, font, and style of your pen. Then, your pen becomes your brand, your ambassador when you're not around.

THIS is my Trojan Pen. Who wouldn't steal this pen? It's BEAUTIFUL! Plus it has my logo, tagline, website, and brand identity - "MADE IN NYC" 

How It All Began...

Management had refused to buy us pens. They sent out a blanket e-mail saying that they would provide office supplies, but pens were our "tools for success," so we were responsible for bringing our own. Huh?

I'm stubborn, so I REFUSED to buy pens. I have standards after all...I went to college. I have degrees! I will not be treated like this.

Fishing at home for any pens I could bring, I found pens from Delta, New York Veterinary Hospital, Northeastern...literally, you could tell my life story in promotional pens. Some of the pens were shitty, and I was happy to get rid of them. Some were nice, but they didn't work anymore. I brought them all into work and let the customers have them. And then, there were no more pens...oops!

It was amusing to me that the only person who would value a cheap promo pen was a bartender